Cunnilingus is obviously popular for a reason, and if you have a vagina, you might have a particular way you like it. But if there’s one thing that’s consistent about sex, it’s that there are more ways to get off—or get your partner off—than you might think, and that's true of oral sex too. New positions, adding or subtracting stimulation, new methods of communication—they’re all going to impact your experience, and many can do that for the better.
Of course, not everyone feels like giving or getting head is good, let alone great—so if it’s always been mid to you as a recipient, this guide might show you something you hadn’t felt before. (And if you’re the giver, consider these techniques a gift to your partner.) Here are five potentially new-to-you tips to make the oral sex you’re having sing.
Listen, you’re likely tired of hearing this tip, because it appears in basically every sex tip article you’ll ever read. But still: Talking about what works (and doesn’t) and what you might want to try next can really help you get someone off—or help them get you off—when you're having oral sex.
Communication outside the bedroom can give you both a space to discuss your desires, likes, and dislikes in a lower-pressure environment. Karen Beale, PhD, a professor of psychology at Maryville College, AASECT-certified sex educator, and president-elect for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, says that trust is earned in everyday life, not just during sex—and that earned trust will translate into less stress during vulnerable moments (like getting eaten out).
If you’re worried about making something casual feel more weighted? Talking it out doesn’t mean the recipient necessarily expects that “the person providing oral sex will fall in love with them, is going to be their forever partner, or even someone they will see beyond one night,” Nikki Hilton, PhD, LHSP, a psychologist specializing in relationships in Knoxville, Tennessee, tells SELF. “It does mean, however, that they can trust the provider to respect their boundaries, listen to them, and care about their pleasure.”
During the act itself: Dr. Beale is a huge fan of figuring out modes of communication ahead of time that don’t take you out of the heat of the moment, and that reduce the likelihood that you’ll feel embarrassed while getting down and dirty. “Figure out some hand gestures that mean certain things, but are hard to say at the moment, or might break a good flow. For example, a squeeze of the hand could mean, ‘Keep doing that thing exactly like that,’ or a tap on the back of the hand could mean, ‘Switch to the other side,’ or three taps is, ‘Go lower.’”
If you’re the one giving head, you should communicate, too! Ask your partner what kinds of words they like to use to refer to their vulva and vagina and incorporate it into your dirty talk. Since some people feel self-conscious when people are spending a ton of time down there, give them praise about how it looks, feels, tastes, smells, or how much you like doing what they’re doing. If you’re not a huge dirty-talker, you can show your appreciation with moans, peppered kisses, or just stick with a classic by saying, “I love eating you out.”
Cunnilingus doesn’t have to be entirely focused on the clitoris. Dr. Beale explains, “If it’s too sensitive”—or even if it’s not!—“you can avoid it altogether and just provide oral stimulation around the vaginal opening and the inner and outer labia.” You can try a bit of tongue-fucking directly into the vagina, as well.
If you or the person you’re going down on do have a really sensitive clit, you’ve got some options. The tried-and-true technique of giving head over underwear is great, but why not mix it up? If you know it works for you to provide a barrier from way too much stimulation, experiment with different textures and (clean) fabrics. Try starting with cotton, then play around with silk, lace, or latex.
You can use fabric to protect the vulva and clit in other ways too. Dr. Beale notes that some people have a particular sensitivity to beard hair or just-shaved stubble. If that’s your situation, as she suggests, “You could say, ‘I absolutely love your beard and I don’t want you to change it, but it hurts during oral. Can we try draping a satin pillowcase on my vulva so that your lips can get to me, but so that I don’t feel your beard?’” (Introducing satin might also feel great, sensation-wise.)
If the recipient’s clitoris is super sensitive, that doesn’t mean you can’t increase stimulation elsewhere. As you go easy with head, try upping the ante by playing with your or your partner’s nipples, using nipple clamps, or inserting a butt plug.
On the other hand, there are some people who want as much clitoral stimulation during oral as humanly possible, and myriad ways to incorporate more sensations there. For starters: Consider adding sex toys. Dr. Beale suggests focusing a vibrator on the clit while someone licks the rest of the area, or inserting a dildo while the giver licks the clit. To get an even more intense feeling, insert a butt plug in addition to a dildo or fingers in the vagina. That feeling of fullness, plus clitoral stimulation from the tongue, can be incredible for people with less sensitivity.
It can be fun to get a little kinky with it too. Put a small ice cube in your or your partner’s mouth before or during oral for some clitoral temperature play. Edging, or getting close to orgasm and then intentionally delaying it, can also be a really fun—and kinda torturous—way to incorporate more intensity into oral. Bring your partner just to the edge of orgasm, then stop licking or sucking. Do this as many times as you or they like, and if you or they do eventually come, enjoy the absolutely wild orgasm that ensues.
Penetrative sex gets a ton of attention in terms of different positions, but giving head doesn’t have to look the same every time, Dr. Hilton suggests the Kivin Method: To try it, the person receiving the oral lies on their back, but the person giving head comes in from the side (kind of perpendicularly), giving them more access to the clit and surrounding areas. If that doesn’t sound good to you—or you try it and hate it—Dr. Hilton says, “I encourage the receiver to be comfortable, and for the provider to be comfortable, as well. I would frame this as another opportunity for exploration with a partner.” Just keep an open mind, and you can’t lose, no matter what positions you try.
What other options are there? You or your partner might like having a pillow or wedge underneath your back and hips, lifting the recipient up to the giver’s mouth. Or, if you’re the one getting head, go ahead and sit on their face. You can also try having the receiver sit in a chair or on a desk or kitchen island and spread their legs while the other person kneels in between. (Putting a pillow under the provider’s knees here can be a life-saver.) And, of course, there wouldn’t be so many memes about eating it from the back if it wasn’t something people loved to do and have done.
If you or your partner have a good time during oral, but find that whoever’s getting head doesn’t actually have an orgasm, here’s a technique that might help you or them get there. But keep in mind that coming doesn’t have to be the goal during oral or at any point in sex. If you do want to orgasm, though, Dr. Beale suggests Betty Dodson’s Rock ’n Roll technique, which was originally developed for masturbation, but can be successful for oral sex too.
The technique “involves clenching the pelvic floor really tight and then relaxing it all, clenching and relaxing, over and over. It can be particularly helpful if you have something inserted,” like a toy, Dr. Beale says. In general, pelvic floor therapy and awareness can help you have more pleasurable (and more comfortable sex) if you have conditions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, or endometriosis—with or without penetration.
Whatever you try, just keep experimenting, and remember to enjoy the ride. At the very least, you’ll get lots of excellent practice in—and hopefully make yourself or someone else feel great in the process.
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